Chapter 237

Xie Bi An was sleeping soundly when the door of his bedchamber was suddenly roughly pushed open. He suddenly woke up with a jolt, grabbed the sword by his side, and the Junlan sword was half-unsheathed and crossed in front of him.

But he soon knew who the visitor was. After all, he had lived with him for two lifetimes, and he could easily distinguish that familiar scent, even though it was mixed with the smell of alcohol.

"What are you doing?" Xie Bi An asked coldly.

Fan Wu She sat down on the edge of the bed and said mysteriously, "I'll take you to a place."

The smell of alcohol wafting into his nose made Xie Bi An frown: "You drank too much."

"Not much." Fan Wu She grabbed Xie Bi An's wrist, "Let's go."

"It’s already late*." Xie Bi An shrugged once, but didn't fling him off, "Let go."

"Big brother, I'll take you to a place. You must see it."

Fan Wu She is usually gloomy and cold, not angry, but has a majestic temperament. Even when he was a teenager, what was hidden under this young body was a soul who had lived for two lifetimes. He hardly ever had such a jumpy moment.

How much wine has he been drinking? The usual Fan Wu She had already made Xie Bi An on guard at all times, and this unusual Fan Wu She in front of him made him even more worried.

Xie Bi An was half-dragged and half-carried out of bed by Fan Wu She. He took him on his sword and left the temporary imperial palace, and flew into the depths of Mount Daming.

"I've been looking for it for a long time. Based on my impression it should be this season." Fan Wu She shouted against the wind. A few syllables were swallowed up by the wind which sounded intermittently, but Xie Bi An vaguely recalled something.

Fan Wu She followed the trace of spiritual awareness he left behind and found a small lake in the forest. Looking down from the sky, the half-moon was clearly reflected in the water. A breeze wrinkled the water, and the sparkling waves reflected the chilly moonlight. The most eye-catching thing is that there was a golden band of light floating around the lakeside, as if the Milky Way above the highest heavens are also reflected on the earth.

It is thousands of fireflies with their own faint light converging into this dreamy scenery.

The two passed through the streams of fireflies and landed on the lakeside. Xie Bi An lifted his head and stared blankly at the dots of sparks, sinking into his memories.

This place was first discovered by him.

In order to protect the cave of Mount Daming, outsiders were not allowed to come to this peak where the temporary imperial palace is located. He was curious about everything when he was young, so after cultivating, he would fly everywhere in the mountain with his sword to find interesting things. Hence, he found this small lake, and also found that during the hot and humid summer there would be large streams of fireflies gathering beside the water.

He was shocked by the sight at that time, and after leaving his spiritual awareness behind, he flew back to the temporary imperial palace in a flash, woke up Xiao Jiu, who was fast asleep, and brought him here to enjoy the view. Since then, if they came to the cave in the summer to cultivate, they would secretly come here to play from time to time.

He remembered that time when his outstanding talent was just revealed, he was highly expected by his father to win glory for the Daming Zong Clan at the Jiaolong Assembly. He was appreciated by his father, loved by his mother, and respected and worshipped by his younger siblings. It was the most carefree time of his life.

Xie Bi An was deeply immersed in a type of thick, sad memories, even when someone held his hand, he did not notice.

Fan Wu She turned his head and looked at Xie Bi An, his gaze was vacant but there was no loss of gentleness. Under the same quiet starry sky, he also seemed to follow the long river of time back to the past. The sky had moon and stars, and the ground had reflections and fireflies. Between the sky and earth, there was only him and his big brother. This seemed to be a carefully planned dream for them.

Xie Bi An came back to his senses at that moment. He looked up at Fan Wu She in surprise then withdrew his hand.

Now, he is holding his big brother's hand instead, and he is looking down at his big brother's calm eyes and brows, wanting this moment to be long and meaningful, but fearing of waking up from a good dream.

Xie Bi An came back to his senses at that moment. He looked up at Fan Wu She in surprise, then withdrew his hand.

Fan Wu She's palm was empty. He clasped his fingers, trying to stop the heat from flowing away.

"In the past, we would come here to enjoy the moon and the fireflies." Fan Wu She said softly, "You were the one who discovered this place first."

Xie Bi An pondered for a moment, "It's too late, let's go back."

Fan Wu She took his hand again, "We used to stay until dawn."

"Let go." Xie Bi An said with a frown.

The smell of alcohol rushed to the top of his skull, accompanied by the disappointment that kept accumulating from Xie Bi An. Fan Wu She's face heated up and clenched his hand tighter: "I want to go back at dawn. Big brother, accompany me."

Xie Bi An was shocked.

Was it intentional or unintentional? This sentence from Fan Wu She was actually exactly the same as what he said when he was behaving like a spoiled child and making a scene, just that the tone now is domineering and overbearing. He’s also unable to refuse. Back then, he pampered and indulged Xiao Jiu. Now, he was wary and afraid of Fan Wu She.

Fan Wu She pulled Xie Bi An and sat down on a smooth stone. He took out a cloak from the qiankun bag, wrapped Xie Bi An up, and then took advantage to hold his shoulders.

Xie Bi An was sitting upright. His body did not dare to relax for a moment.

"It's so beautiful. So many streams of fireflies, just like when we were young." Fan Wu She held Xie Bi An's thin shoulder and sighed in his heart. Why did the man, who could hold up the sky* for him when he was young, become this skinny and this pale now? This made him want to hold him in his arms without letting go for a moment, and also want to offer him everything in the world.

However, his big brother does not want that. The throne, wealth, magical treasures, he thought his big brother fancy those things, but in the end only he took it seriously. Now his big brother does not want everything he can give, and also doesn’t want him.

Xie Bi An quietly looked at these golden fireflies, just like a long river of stars smashing and spreading in the world, which was incomparably romantic. He whispered: "Flying into the sky like meteorites, brushing the trees like flowers*."

Fan Wu She turned his head and looked into Xie Bi An's eyes, which were bright and shining. The small bits of stars also seemed to sprinkle into his eyes. He is gentle, attentive and extremely touching. His blood is surging. His strong desire seems to break through the restraints of his body and rush towards that man who makes him crazily obsessed. He desperately drags the beast in his heart and suppresses the desire until he’s itching to destroy the desire. With restraint after restraints, he lowered his head and printed an infinitely soft kiss on his forehead.

Yet Xie Bi An's body tensed. He stared straight ahead with a fixed gaze, like facing a great enemy.

"Don't be afraid of me." Fan Wu She's voice was deep and hoarse.

"Big brother, don't do this to me." That voice had a few more trembles.

"I'm sorry, I didn't do it on purpose. I thought you betrayed me. I thought you caused my mother’s death. I didn't mean to treat you like that. You are the most important person in my life, so I can't stand you treating me like this." Fan Wu She hugged Xie Bi An’s shoulders with his forehead against Xie Bi An’s head, “But I always have you in my heart. Only you, I can never forget. 100 years, 200 years, two lifetimes, I will never forget."

Xie Bi An felt unbearable pain. When he saw the sky of fireflies and this familiar lake, his mind was full of laughter when they were young. After all, it’s engraved in his heart. Who can forget? But the pain engraved in his bones and printed on his heart, the face of hatred, also cannot be forgotten.

He turned his head. His body wanted to escape, but the weight on his shoulders was too heavy to move. The late remorse was worthless, or else his struggles, pain, despair, and defeat would also have been worthless. That's why he is extremely resistant to these things that were premeditated, wanting to evoke his former memories. Whether it's the delicious wine of his youth or the places he has been before, are all means by which Fan Wu She attempts to soften his heart. He keeps wearing this numb mask, fearing that cracks will appear on it and leak out his increasingly uncontrollable emotions.

"Big brother, talk to me." Fan Wu She whispered in his ear, "You must have a lot to say. Don't hide everything. Say something. Scold me, hate me, anything, you have to say it."

Xie Bi An’s hands gradually clenched into fists. The resentment suppressed during this time has become more and more difficult to control, and Fan Wu She is still pressing closer and closer, as if he will not stop until he is enraged.

"I know you don't want to see me cry in pain and plead bitterly, nor do you want to see me defend myself, so you’ll say it, okay? Big brother, senior brother, don't ignore me."

Fan Wu She clearly realized, the big brother who used to defend, argue and resist, was still fighting for him and their love, and had not yet completely closed his heart, but this numb, cold, and senseless person in front of him was about to make his heart die. It's more hopeless to be indifferent than to hurl insults.

"Big brother ..."

"What do you want me to say?" Xie Bi An twisted his head, his gaze bursting with sparks, "What are the words that we didn't say in those years?”

Fan Wu She stared at Xie Bi An for a long time before he said in a deep voice, "Do you still like me?"

Xie Bi An's pupils dilated and tightened again. He froze for a moment.

"Back then in Wuji Palace, even if I forced you, even if you only had brotherly love for me, we did all those intimate things after all. We embraced each other night after night ..."

"Shut up!" Xie Bi An growled.

Fan Wu She refused to stop: "Embrace each other to sleep. You will take the initiative to hug me when you are confused and begged for more. I’ve always wanted to ask you if your heart has ever moved before."

"No." Xie Bi An said through gritted teeth.

“Not even once? When you were enjoying yourself underneath me for so many days and nights, has your heart never even moved once?”

Xie Bi An wanted to get up.

Fan Wu She caught Xie Bi An’s weak point after all the trouble, how could he stop here? He refused to let go: "Even if you didn’t in the previous life, in this life, you really liked me, right?"

Xie Bi An's eyes gradually turned red.

"You said it yourself. You also did it physically. You also wanted to be with me for a long time, right?" Fan Wu She stares into the depths of Xie Bi An's eyes. "Now, regardless of hate, I'm not only your favorite Xiao Jiu, but also Zong Zi Xiao who spent countless nights with you, and also Fan Wu She who fought side by side with you and made a lifelong promise. I don't believe you are completely indifferent to me. Do you still like me?"

Xie Bi An pushed Fan Wu She away. His eyes were confused and ferocious. He glared at Fan Wu She fiercely: "How can you still have the face to ask this question?"

Fan Wu She's face was filled with hidden pain, and he would not give up until he reached his goal: "Because this is the one thing I care most about in this world. I have struggled for two lives, and I only want you to have me in your heart."

Xie Bi An gasped and tried to ease that pain. He said with a light tremor: "Then listen carefully. No. Never in the past life and this life. The like based on deception is not called like. No matter what you do, I will not like you. I only have hate for you now."

The light in Fan Wu She's eyes viciously converged and then scattered in the pitch-black pupils, like water disappearing in water. Any words can hardly depict the pain that was tearing at his heart and lungs at this moment. He opened his mouth. There was some blurring in front of his eyes, and the surface of calmness could hardly be sustained, but he still held on. He laughed strangely, not knowing who he was speaking to, "I don't believe it." I don't believe how you can be completely indifferent when I love you like this.

Xie Bi An stared at him and his body leaned back unconsciously.

This evasive action seemed to have plucked Fan Wu She’s certain heartstring. He suddenly grabbed Xie Bi An's shoulders and pushed him to the ground. He leaned and pressed him down, but stopped before their lips were about to collide roughly.

Their noses were against each other, close enough to exchange each other's breath, which was anxious, restless, and pathetic. They looked into each other's eyes. The entrance to the soul is infinitely enlarged. Their whole vision was forced into it. They saw complicated textures, brown rings, and dark, bottomless pupils. They saw themselves in those circles of shrunken pupils. The anxious, restless, and pathetic self.

At this moment, the pain became a tangible and qualitative thing, getting into each other's muscles, hair, skin, bone, and blood, so that they experienced the general pain of getting skinned, beaten, and a thousand cuts.

Why? Why did it hurt so much? Why did two people who were in love with each other come to this irreversible path?

Xie Bi An opened his eyes wide and tears rolled down quietly.

The color of the blood vessels in Fan Wu She's eyes became deeper and deeper, and were eventually replaced by a spreading black death aura that crept up to his pupils one by one. He propped his hands on either side of Xie Bi An's head. His tall body trembling lightly, as if he was restraining something, and the result of his restraint was only a light touch on the lips that he so desperately wanted.

Xie Bi An stared at him without blinking. He was staring at the black vines in his eyes. The memory of his previous life surged, which made him shudder. He said softly, "If you can't control your inner demons, the ending of your previous life will be repeated soon."

"My inner demon is you." Fan Wu She's hand brushed over Xie Bi An's sideburns.

"It's the Heavenly Secret Talisman’s ..."

"It's you, it's always been you." Fan Wu She said sorrowfully, "The Heavenly Secret Talisman can't manipulate me. You can."

"The inner demon is born from your own desire. It has nothing to do with me."

"Yeah." Fan Wu She smiled bitterly, "The inner demon is my inner demon, but to control the inner demon, unless I can control you, unless I get what I want most ---- you. Otherwise sooner or later, I will still lose my mind one day."

Xie Bi An bit his lower lip tightly.

Fan Wu She gently brushed his fingertips over Xie Bi An's lips and pried open his teeth, "Big brother, before you remembered your previous life, we were very happy. At that time I was very conflicted. I missed you so much. I wanted you to remember me so much, but I didn't want you to remember me, because if you remembered, we would never be able to be together again without heartache."

"You think I wanted to remember? I'd rather just be Xie Bi An for the rest of my life."

"Yeah, how good would it be if you didn't remember. How good would it be if you forgot about our unpleasant past and if you forgot to hate me."

Then he would see this person smiling at him again. Being nice to him, saying yes to him, and all the resentment, resistance, and fear would disappear from these eyes, and they would live a lifetime together and never be separated.

"Big brother, why don't you forget it?" Fan Wu She murmured, "It would be good if you forget it. It would be good to forget it."

"..." Xie Bi An couldn't tell if Fan Wu She was talking to him or to himself. Looking at the black death aura spreading in Fan Wu She's eyes, a greater uneasiness rose in his heart.

 

 ----

PS: Hmmmm I think Xiaohei have to sacrifice himself in order to chase Xiaobai heart’s back, and the black death aura probably will be a key turning point…We shall see~

 

It’s already late*[都什么时辰了]---technically it meant ‘what time is it’, but usually when we (Chinese) speak, we usually meant ‘it’s already late’

hold up the sky*[撑起天]---or 撑起一片天, Describes a person who is very capable

Flying into the sky like meteorites, brushing the trees like flowers*[腾空类星陨，拂树若花生]---describes fireflies fluttering in the courtyard, soaring in the air like stars falling down from the sky, brushing the trees like blooming flowers

 

Edited on 8 June 21 (Emzie)

 

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